Daffynitions
When I was a youngster learning English, I wasn’t always clear on the meaning of words. In a business establishment, I noticed a sign Off-ice, and wondered if this place was warmer or colder than an ice house. My dad drove a Ply-mouth, and I wondered what eating had to do with automobiles. As an adult, I learned to appreciate the application of words to unexpected meanings.
A la Cart — A restaurant meal wheeled up to your table [Frank Ball, 9 November 2024]
Abdicate — Give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Acute Care — Having an attractive nurse [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 August 2014]
Adage — What you do every day you live [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 10 November 2023]
Administer — Marketing preacher, teacher, or promoter [Frank Ball, 26 July 2025]
Aftermath — Devastation that follows a really difficult test [Frank Ball, 11 February 2025]
Agnostic — One who knows a lot about agriculture [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
Air Brakes — How a bird makes a soft landing [Frank Ball, 28 July 2011]
Air Brakes — What Michael Phelps takes between strokes [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 July 2011]
Algebra — What a mermaid wears on her chest [Shoe by Gary Brookins & Susie MacNelly, 27 October, 2025]
Alliteration — A country with nowhere to put its trash [Frank Ball, 9 June 2011]
Alphabet Soup — Putting someone else’s words into your mouth [Frank Ball, 13 July 2020]
Altruism — A terrible strategy for true-false tests [Frank and Ernest, 13 May 2022]
Ambiance — Luxurious transportation to the emergency room [Frank Ball, 9 August 2025]
Ambiguous — A couple trying to squeeze into adjacent airplane seats [Frank Ball, 11 February 2025]
Antelopes — Left the anthill for a cheap wedding [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 September 2018]
Antenna — How ants get Wifi signals on their computers. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Antimatter — The wife of Uncle Matter [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise & Lance Aldrich, 3 June 2012]
Antiviral — When no one at all cares about your tweet [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 June 2016]
Apartment — Opposite of togetherment [Frank Ball, 27 June 2022]
Apologetics — The ongoing need to say we’re sorry [Frank Ball, 8 November 2014]
Appeal — What’s left after you eat abbanana [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 12 April 2011]
Appeal — What you don’t want to step on after eating a banana [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
Apple Turnover — The rate at which Mac engineers are fired [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 May 2019]
Arbitrator — Arby’s employee who goes to work for a competitor [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
Arch Rivals — Two podiatrists who hate each other [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 8 April 2019]
Archenemy — Flat feet [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 31 March 2014]
Archive — Where Noah kept his bees [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 13 September 2022]
Artery — Gallery of fine paintings [Frank Ball, 24 November 2020]
Asphalt — The donkey is to blame [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 20 February 2010]
Assonance — Speech that is unbecoming to a donkey [Frank Ball, 7 March 2011]
Asteroids — A painful posterior relieved by Preparation A [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
Autobiography — A book about the life of a car [Frank Ball, 14 August 2015]
Autoimmune Condition — Being resistant to buying a car [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 18 December 2025]
Autonomy — Having your own car [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 30 November 2018]
Avoidable — What people do at the Running of the Bulls [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
Avoidable — How to survive a bullfight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 July 2013]
Axiomatic — A machine that chops down trees all by itself [Shoe by Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins, 12 December 2010]
Babbling Brook — What Brook becomes after her second glass of wine [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 26 January 2013]
Bacteria — Rear entrance to the school lunchroom [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Balderdash — A rapidly receding hairline [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Bamboozle — The sound a boozle makes when it explodes [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 May 2016]
Barbarism — Getting my hair cut against my will [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 6 May 2010]
Barcode — If somebody buys you a drink, buy them one too [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 7 June 2014]
Barium — What funeral directors do [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Barnstorm — When clouds form in the silo [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 October 2012]
Base Metal — What John Paul Jones uses to restring his instruments [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 August 2011]
Basketball — A glamorous evening at a weaver’s convention [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 25 June 2016]
Beattitudes — The reason behind the bickering in the hive [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 20 September 2025]
Behind — The posterior of honey-makers [Frank Ball, 29 October 2011]
Believe — What causes a hive to be empty except for the honey. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Benign — What you are after you be eight [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 18 February 2010]
Bigamist — Very dense fog [Frank Ball, 16 March 2023]
Biology — The study of departures. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Black Hole — What is left after eating a chocolate donut [Frank Ball, 12 March 2016]
Blast-Off — Notice that the party bash has been cancelled [Frank Ball, 10 January, 2026]
Blind Faith — Believing the seven-day forecast [Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom, 26 July 2017]
Bluetooth — Condition that occurs when your dentist attempts to answer the cell phone during a routine filling [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 January 2010]
Bone — The shortest distance between two joints [Frank and Ernest by Thaves, 4 June 2021]
Botanist — Specialist in artificial intelligence creations [Frank Ball, 21 October 2020]
Brick-and-Mortar — What’s being replaced by click-and-order [B.C. by John Hart Studios, Inc., 14 October 2023]
Brief Case — Code name for the boxer rebellion [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 19 July 2014]
Broadcast — An all-female theater production [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 February 2013]
Brussels Sprouts — Belgian kindergarteners [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 May 2010]
Buckshot — Rudolph’s preferred libation [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 December 2011]
Buffalo — One who is much more fortunate than buffa low and buffa lowest [Frank Ball, 18 June 2024]
Bulldozer — Matador with a tranquilizer gun [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 11 January 2011]
Bulldozers — Sleeping male livestock [Frank Ball, 4 October 2019]
Bullpen — Where political speechwriters do their best work [Frank Ball, 7 July 2019]
Burglarize — What a crook must use to decide what to steal [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
Butter — A habitual contrarian [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 November 2012]
Buzz Words — How insects communicate [Frank Ball, 12 November 2022]
Byproduct — A manufacturer’s desperate plea to customers [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 April 2013]
Caesarean Section — Where Julius built his palace in Rome [Frank Ball, 6 July 2016]
Camelot — Where one must go to purchase a used dromedary [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 20 September 2002]
Campaign Promise — Something that repeats itself every four years [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 September 2012]
Candidate — How lovers go their separate ways [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
Canned Ham — Actor fired for overplaying his part [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 31 October 2013]
Capital Punishment — Texting in all lower case [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
Capitalism — Writing everything in upper case [Frank Ball, 14 September 2019]
Captivate — Paranoid infatuation with headgear, a persistent belief that one is being judged by what sits on a person’s head [Frank Ball, 22 December 2025]
Cardboard — The group that makes decisions about poker rules [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 June 2011]
Cardio — Exercise while walking to and from your car [Frank Ball, 16 May, 2016]
Cardiologist — An expert in the science of hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades, practiced with a straight face and no jokers. [Frank Ball, 2 July 2026]
Carpe Diem — Fish of the Day [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 8 October 2010]
Carpool — Facility for drive-in sunbathing [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
Carrion — Luggage not checked for the flight [Frank Ball, 23 December 2020]
Cartoons — Road trip playlist [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 12 July 2014]
CAT Scan — Search for a feline friend [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Catchphrase — What a wide receiver says after a great football game [Frank Ball, 20 December 2019]
Catholic — Insatiable appetite for feline friends [Frank Ball, 6 June 2022]
Cauterize — Chance for love at first sight [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Chili Dog — A Mexican hairless on an Alaskan vacation [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 June 2012]
Chiropractors — People who live in the city near the pyramids [The Middletons by Ralph Dunagin and Dana Summers, 14 May 2011]
Circumvent — An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Claustrophobia — A disorder marked by stress, sweating, and an urgent need to escape the sound of reindeer hooves on the roof [Frank Ball, 15 December 2025]
Claustrophobic — Someone with a paranoid fear of bearded men in red suits [Frank Ball, 25 December 2010]
Cloud Computing — Using your laptop on an airplane [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 June 2013]
Club Sandwich — Food for members only [Frank Ball, 23 October 2010]
Cluster Bomb — Re-release of all six Rocky movies in 3-D [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 May 2013]
Coastline — Spot on the fuel gauge where you know you can still make it to the gas station [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 August 2022]
Coat of Arms — A millipede’s fall attire [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 November 2015]
Coffee — The person upon whom one coughs [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Cognizant — Expert at meshing gears for the mechanical transfer of energy [Frank Ball, 23 September 2018]
Cold Cuts — Ice hockey tryouts [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 1 December 2012]
Colonoscopy — Punctuation of literary works with too many colons [Frank Ball, 26 October 2018]
Common Sense — A condition that’s anything but common [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 June 2018]
Concrete — Negative view of a Mediterranean island, as opposed to being pro-crete [Frank Ball, 5 May 2025]
Confusion — Inseparable bonding of prison inmates [Frank Ball, 19 March 2023]
Conjunctivitis — An irrational fear of words like “and,” “or,” and “but” [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 23 April 2013]
Conscience — What hurts when everything else feels great [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 July 2012]
Console — Fish special at Southeast County Penitentiary [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 23 March 2013]
Contest — A parole hearing [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 January 2009]
Context — A message from a prison inmate [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 14 February 2020]
Control Freak — One who uses four remotes to get one good show on TV [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
Cornish — Kinda like corn, but not quite [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 October 2010]
Correction Facility — Where journalism students learn to do editing [Frank Ball, 5 January 2015]
Countdown — When nothing seems to add up [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 10 March 2013]
Counter Intelligence — What is gained by going to the Information Desk [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 11 November 2013]
Counterfeiter — Kitchen granite installer [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
Country Bumpkin — What farmers attach to the front of their tractors to absorb crashes [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 20 January 2014]
Crabby — A grumpy crustacean. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Crankcase — A lawsuit for no apparent reason [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 14 June 2010]
Critical Mass — A hell-fire-and-brimstone church service [Frank Ball, 25 January 2013]
Cross Training — Management by intimidation [Frank Ball, 27 January 2013]
Crossing the Line — A good way to get slapped by an adjacent fisherman [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 June 2014]
Crowbar — Where crows meet for drinks [Frank Ball, 25 January 2021]
Cryptogram — A message from your dead grandmother [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 February 2026]
Cuisine — Tests in booklet form [Frank Ball, 3 February 2011]
Cursive — Language that is too offensive to print [Frank Ball, 29 October 2023]
Cursor — One who spouts foul words when the computer misbehaves [Frank Ball, 16 October 2017]
Damnation — A principality sustained by hydroelectric power [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 6 October 2010]
Deadline — Obituary blurb [Frank Ball, 7 May 2016]
Debate — De essential part of de fishing line [Frank Ball, 19 February 2016]
Dedication — A zombie’s week off work [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
Defaced — Banned from Facebook [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 October 2015]
Defeat — Where de shoes go [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 December 2014]
Defense — What keeps de cows in de pasture [Frank Ball, 18 November 2018]
Delay — Past-tense form of de-lie [Frank Ball, 26 May 2012]
Delight — What is seen after de night is over, when we are no longer in de dark [Frank Ball, 29 July 2020]
Delight — What we most need when we are lost in de darkness. [Frank Ball, 19 February 2025]
Delighted — A lamp in need of bulb replacement [Frank Ball, 23 May 2022]
Demystify — Use the intermittent setting on your windshield wipers [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 05 February 2011]
Denial — Where pharaoh’s daughter found debaby Moses [Frank Ball, 17 May 2011]
Detour — Where to see a lot and learn a lot before stopping at de gift shop [Frank Ball, 17 August 2021]
Deranged — When a cowboy retires from rustling duty [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 18 May 2019]
Detractor — What a farmer uses to plow de fields [Frank Ball, 10 November 2025]
Diabetic — A person who insists on two bets at once, never more or less [Frank Ball, 20 May 2025]
Diameter — Measurement of time a person has left on Earth [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
Dilate — Living for many years [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Dilemma — What gives di lemonade di distinctive taste [Frank Ball, 4 November 2016]
Dinner Rolls — What happens when the caterer forgets to set the brakes on his truck [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 28 February 2026]
Disdain — A spot that won’t come out with just soap and water [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 27 October 2010]
Disingenuous — To criticize ingenuous [Shoe by Gary Brookins & Susie MacNelly, 29 July 2020]
Divining Rod — A device used to locate holy water [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 16 April 2011]
Dogma — Snoopy’s mother [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 4 April 2026]
Dogmatic — When your mutt barks at anything that moves [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 January 2012]
Dogmatic — Canine math expert [Frank Ball, 23 February 2022]
Domination — Land where Dominoes games are the culture’s most popular activity [Frank Ball, 6 November 2023]
Dormant — An insect whose diet consists of Ramen noodles and Fritos [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 August 2010]
Double Jeopardy — Renewing marriage vows [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 30 May 2013]
Downpour — Technique for filling pillows [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 1 September 2018]
Downsizing — How you measure goose feathers [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 17 December 2010]
Dromedary — Milk cows booked for a Chick-Fil-A commercial [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
Dry Spell — Harry Potter’s hangover cure [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 August 2010]
Duck Season — The time of year when hikers hit the deck every time they hear a loud bang [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 01 October 2016]
Dumbstruck — A guy who installs his trampoline under a ceiling fan [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 September 2009]
Dyspepsia — Ability to read the letters on a Pepsi can backward [One Big Happy by Rick Detorie, 22 August 2009]
Eating Disorder — What is eaten instead of dat order [Frank Ball, 24 April 2025]
Egypt — When you get ripped off online [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 November, 2011]
Electricity — Metro area where a politician announces his or her candidacy [Frank Ball, 4 February 2013]
Elocution — Speaking as if one’s finger has touched a light socket [Frank Ball, 22 March 2013]
Emergency Contact — What ‘one-eyed Willy’ keeps under his eye patch [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 March 2011]
Eminent Domain — The Pope’s website [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 September 2013]
Eschew — What you do before you swallow [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 22 December 2010]
Esplanade — To attempt an explanation while drunk [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Eternity — From now until Christmas [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 14 December 2012]
Eureka — What an Italian wife exclaims upon her husband’s return from a garlic festival [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 February 2009]
Executive Bank — How Air Force One makes a hard left [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 April 2014]
Executive Suite — Expensive candy [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 8 December 2012]
Explains — Where big cities now stand. [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 October 2011]
Extradition — More math homework [Shoe Gary Brookins & Susie MacNelly, 30 August 2022]
Fandango — What to do when Dango gets heat stroke. [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 12 January 2013]
Fanfare — What cabbies charge Michael Jackson impersonators [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 31 May 2017]
Fast Food — What you can eat during Lent [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 25 February 2012]
Fastidious — The tidious who have exceeded the speed limit [Frank Ball, 19 November 2025]
Fibula — A little lie [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
Fiendish Plot — A vegetable garden comprised of only Brussels sprouts [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 18 January 2014]
Fire Sale — Special blaze offer. Perfect for arsonists, dragons, and kids who think flashlights are boring [Frank Ball, 12 July 2025]
Fish Finder — The opposite of whatever device is attached to the end of my pole [
Fixed Income — A handyman’s means of support [Frank Ball 27 October 2012]
Fixed Income — What a cheating bookie lives on [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 8 February 2014]
Fjord — A Norwegian car [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 13 July 2026]
Flabbergasted — Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Flamethrowers — Chili food fight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 February 2013]
Flatulence — Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Flea Market — Where insects go to shop. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Florist — One who lays carpet, tile, and hardwood. [Frank Ball, 25 October 2020]
Football — A game in the USA that sounds like something it isn’t [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 November 2017]
Frankincense — What Frankenstein had after he was given a brain. [Frank Ball, 16 November 2013]
Free Press — When your mom irons your trousers [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
Frostbite — What you get by crossing a snowman with a vampire. [Frank Ball, 7 January 2019]
Full Metal Jacket — C-3PO’s formal attire [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 May 2014]
Gainsayer — Bathroom scale after holiday feasting [Frank Ball, 6 July 2024]
Game Crossing — Going directly to jail, not allowed to pass “Go” and collect $200.00 [Frank Ball, 17 July 2014]
Gatorade — Social Security for alligators [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 25 March 2011]
Genealogy — The study of genies [Luann by Greg Evans, 13 October 2024]
General Anesthesia — Military leader with narcolepsy [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 3 March 2018]
Germinate — Birth of a celebrity from the Fatherland [Frank Ball, 06 June 2024]
Gettysburg — A toddler’s name for a spaghetti burger [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 September 2002]
Government Mandate — Going out with a congressman to dinner and a movie [Frank Ball, 14 November 2015]
Grand Opening — When the first bid is a thousand dollars [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 12 February 2012]
Gross Income — Cash receipts that really stink [Frank Ball, 2 January 2025]
Habanero — What keeps an archer’s quiver from being empty [Frank Ball, 5 September 2020]
Hangnail — Place to put your jacket when coming in from the cold [Frank Ball, 24 November 2020]
Happy Medium — A cordial psychic [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 August 2010]
Harry Potter — Unshaven ceramic artist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 November 2012]
Headlines — What is read on a furrowed brow [Frank Ball, 29 September 2019]
Hebrew — A masculine beverage [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 November 2013]
Herd — What children are not—when they should only be seen [Frank Ball, 2 January 2025]
Heirloom — Equipment of a fourth-generation weaver [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 October 2013]
Heroes — What a guy does when his motorboat conks out [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
Hexagon — Removing the pins from a voodoo doll [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 17 January 2022]
High Roller — A painting device designed for use on ceilings [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 December 2015]
High Winds — Breeze coming off a hemp farm [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 February 2021]
Hijack — The card that gets you two points in a game of cribbage [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 July 2011]
Hip Replacement — Canning the accordion player in favor of a jazz pianist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 January 2009]
Holiness — A characteristic of sponges and spider webs [Frank Ball, 9 May 2013]
Holy Roller — Bagel maker [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 19 January 2013]
Horsefly — What happens when a tornado touches down beside a Mountie [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 December 2018]
Hootenanny — Child care for young owls [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 October 2015]
Hospital Gown — Formalwear for nurses [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 22 January 2011]
Hot Dog Stand — What wieners do when they can’t find a seat [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
Hug — Static cling [Frank Ball, 18 April 2022]
Humuerus — The bone most likely to make a joke when you least expect it [Frank Ball, 25 June 2025]
Hyperspace — Special room for restless children [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 December 2019]
Illegal — Sad news flash from the aviary [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 9 January 2009]
Illiterate — Someone who’s sick of reading [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 February 2012]
Impeccable — Chicken proof [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 13 July 2013]
Importance — Shipment arriving on a slow boat from China [Frank Ball, 20 December 2025]
Incarnation — Living in a country where driving trucks is culturally unacceptable [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
Incomplete Sentence — Attempting to escape prison [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 24 February 2016]
Indian Summer — Tech report season [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 March 2013]
Innuendo — Spanish name for Preparation H [Frank Ball, 4 March 2015]
Intent — Where campers sleep [Frank Ball, 27 January 2013]
Investigator — University of Florida stockholder [Frank Ball, 14 July 2019]
Irony — Best method for removing wrinkly [Frank Ball, 6 November 2023]
Irons in the Fire — What to do after a horrid day at the golf course [Frank Ball, 25 October 2018]
Jackpot — What Jack claims is strictly for medicinal purposes [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 18 August 2012]
Kick — The final activity on one’s bucket list [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 22 July 2014]
Kidnap — What tired toddlers do. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Labor Pain — Suffering from a work injury [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Lackadaisical — Having too little appreciation for flowers [Frank Ball, 11 January 2019]
Lapsing — What happens when a child in Mom’s lap hears a lullaby [Frank Ball, 21 July 2011]
Last Man Standing — Politically correct term for the kid who really stinks at Musical Chairs [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 March 2015]
Last Will and Testament — Dead giveaway [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 22 February 2012]
Lasting Impression — What Wile E. Coyote leaves on the floor of any given canyon [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 November 2014]
Late Bloomers — Back-ordered undergarments [Frank and Ernest, 24 January 2011]
Laughing Gas — What might be worth fracking for [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 November 2012]
Lawsuit — Appropriate attorney courtroom attire [Frank Ball, 10 June 2022]
Lemonade — Citrus orchard caretaker [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
Liability — Unique talent in using deceptive words [Frank Ball, 28 June 2014]
Liability — The unique talent for concealing the truth [Frank Ball, 3 April 2022]
Lip Service — Regular Botox injections [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 6 October 2012]
Light Year — A twelve-month period when one’s diet actually worked [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
Listless — The way most guys go grocery shopping [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 21 June 2010]
Loan Sharks — A visiting exhibit at the aquarium [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 March 2012]
Locomotive — The crazy desire of a one-track mind [Frank Ball, 13 November 2023]
Logarithm — What a composer does with the percussion parts [Frank Ball, 11 April 2012]
Logistics — What beavers take from trees to build a dam [Frank Ball, 2 November 2022]
Lollygag — Outcome of running while eating candy [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 June 2020]
Loose Ends — Free agent football players [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 11 February 2012]
Lymph — To walk with a lisp [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Macro Economics — Required class prior to interning at Kraft [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 13 October 2012]
Malady — A catchy tune that’s gone bad [Frank Ball, 18 March 2016]
Mandate — Two guys watching sports [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 21 April 2012]
Mandatory Retirement — When Mom and Dad won’t let kids stay up at night [Frank Ball, 1 February 2013]
Marxist — Someone with a mustache, a cigar, and a quick wit [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 13 July 2017]
Mayhem — The monthly chaos that precedes Junehem [Lola by Todd Clark, 12 April 2011]
Mayhem — A dress cut that will only be in style till June first [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 May 2011]
Medical Staff — A doctor’s walking stick [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Memory Block — A stroll around the old neighborhood [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 April 2013]
Metronome — A city dwarf [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 February 2011]
Microchip — What’s left at the bottom of a bag of Frito’s [Frank Ball, 20 March 2024]
Microsoft — Mini marshmallow [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 May 2012]
Milk Duds — Uncooperative dairy cows [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
Minimum — Small British woman [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 October 2011]
Monkey — How you unlock a monastery [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 September 2011]
Mononucleosis — A disease half as bad as stereo nucleosis [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 27 April 2010]
Monroe Doctrine — Gentlemen prefer blondes [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 11 October 2013]
Moraine — Amazonian weather update [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 February 2010]
Morbid — A higher offer on eBay [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 20 October 2023]
Moving Violation — Leaving without paying rent [Frank Ball, 19 January 2015]
Multitasking — Messing up several things at once [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 9 October 2010]
Myth — A female moth [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 21 June 2024]
Napkin — Relatives dedicated to short sleeps. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Naval Blockade — Bellybutton lint [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 7 July 2025]
Negligent — Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing a nightgown [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Net Loss — When the Wi-Fi is down [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 24 February 2016]
Net Worth — How trapeze artists view their life-saving device [Frank Ball, 11 December 2022]
New Year’s Resolution — A promise whose intention outlasts its action by about 364 days [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 January 2019]
Nightmare — What a cowboy rides after dark [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 24 February 2016]
Nitrate — Much cheaper than a day rate [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
No Outlet — Warning sign for the absence of any electrical socket [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
Nonagenarian — When no one can remember how old you are [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 February 2011]
Ontological — Sensible footwear [Frank Ball, 29 March 2012]
Opportunity — A tuna school graduate’s view of the situation [Frank Ball, 7 April 2026]
Ordeal — Sales special on boating supplies [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
Organic — Traditional church music [Frank Ball, 24 November 2020]
Outpatient — Someone who has fainted [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Oxymoron — A really stupid ox [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 21 September 2012]
Packrat — Rhodent ready to travel [Frank Ball, 2 July 2025]
Pandemonium — A bear’s race to eat bamboo shoots [Frank Ball, 18 November 2010]
Paradigm — The same as four nickels [Frank Ball, 22 September 2017]
Paradox — What it takes to lift a patient from a stretcher [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 17 August 2013]
Paranoid Optimist — People who think everybody is out to get them something nice [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 28 May 2014]
Paranormal Activity — What couples usually do together [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
Parasites — Important stops when touring France [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
Parking — Guy with a perfect round of golf [Frank Ball, 11 February 2013]
Parole — A period at the end of a sentence [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 20 February 2026]
Past Tense — Worsened state of extreme panic [Frank Ball, 29 December 2022]
Pasteurization — When the cows are left free to graze [Frank Ball, 20 March 2012]
Pasteurized — Ordained to be a minister [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 August 2011]
Paws — What a dog does when it’s thinking. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Pay as You Go — A coin-operated toilet [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 166)]
Peanut — An overzealous urologist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 7 March 2010]
Peanut — A fanatical bean farmer [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 June 2010]
Pen Pal — Someone you liked while in the slammer [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
Perfect Pitch — Bestselling roofing tar [B.C. by John L. Hart FLP, 14 June 2011]
Periodic Table — Large dining area used during Thanksgiving and Christmas [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 25 May 2011]
Persuasion — How cats get what they want. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Pesticide — When a housefly makes a beeline into a ceiling fan [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 November 2014]
Pesto — An annoying Italian guy [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 27 December 2012]
Phlegmatic — An automatic nose blower [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 118)]
Phobia — The advanced stages of a threebia. [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 9 February 2023]
Pillage — Plunder of aspirin and vitamins [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 5 May 2014]
Pillory — A place that fills prescriptions [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 15 October 2010]
Pillow — When a prescription needs to be refilled [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
Plutonium — The Latin name of Mickey Mouse’s dog [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 9 September 2015]
Pokemon — Jamaican gumby’s best friend [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 1 February 2014]
Polarization — Territory of arctic bears [Frank Ball, 25 Novembers 2011]
Polarize — How arctic bears see where they are going [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
Polaroids — What arctic bears get from sitting on ice too long [Frank Ball, 4 June 2014]
Pole Vault — An eastern European bank [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 1 June 2013]
Political Correctness — Doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end [Believed to be from Texas A&M University’s winner of definition award.]
Politically Correct — Always having to say you’re sorry, even when you know you’re not [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 18 December 2012]
Politics — Fleas with agendas [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 September 2012]
Polyamorous — Loving two parrots at the same time [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 1 March 2018]
Polygon — A dead parrot [Herbert V. Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr, 5100 Quotations for Speakers & Writers (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1992), 163.]
Polygon — When your parrot flies the coop. [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 14 January 2011]
Poop Deck — The kennel floor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 April 2010]
Pop Fly — An insect’s father [Frank Ball, 4 February 2021]
Popcorn — A popular movement in the late 1950s widely regarded as the precursor to postmodern corn [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 March 2019]
Pork Chop — A pig’s karate movement [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
Prepare — Blossom on a fruit tree [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 June 2013]
Pressure Wash — Cleaning the house before your mother-in-law visits [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 2 March 2013]
Pretext — The long, boring era before texting was invented [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 19 January 2017]
Pretext — Undiscoverable words during writer’s block [Frank Ball, 12 December 2022]
Prime Time — How Optimus addresses the crowd before the dance-off [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 12 March 2013]
Private Caller — Soldier on the phone [Frank Ball, 17 November 2018]
Probiotic — What an amateur biotic longs to become [Frank Ball, 17 November 2018]
Procrastinator — Someone so skilled at being crass that others suspect formal training [Frank Ball, 9 June 2026]
Program — Official stance of the national lobby for the metric system [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 April 2010]
Promising Career — The work of politicians [Frank Ball, 20 July 2012]
Pronoun — A noun that has lost its amateur status [Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson, 22 February 2016]
Proofread — Calculating the actual alcohol content in your drink [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 September 2018]
Protagonist — Expert at touching someone in a chase, saying, “You’re it.” [Frank Ball, 24 July 2020]
Ranch Dressing — Putting on cowboy clothes [Frank Ball, 30 April 2023]
Rank and File — A manicurist with body odor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 March 2012]
Ransom — What participants in a marathon did [Frank Ball, 7 August 2015]
Rebate — Put another worm on the hook [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 March 2010]
Reboot — A second kick in the seat of the pants [Frank Ball, 15 January 2013]
Recall — What parents do with obstinate children [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 August 2015]
Reckless — What you have left when you are no longer full of reck [Frank Ball, 11 June 2026]
Recorder — Opposite of “wreak havoc” [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 October 2011]
Recovery Room — Upholstery work area [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Rectify — When a proctologist puts on a rubber glove [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 3 October 2014]
Rectitude — The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
Redundancy — Member of Congress in a hot air balloon [Frank Ball, 30 December 2017]
Reincarnation — Belief in life after death when you come back as a flower [Frank Ball, 17 November 2018]
Relief — How trees signal the beginning of spring [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
Remiss — To blow the second shot as well as the first one [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 26 July 2016]
Repair — Matching one sock with another [Frank Ball, 17 May 2012]
Repressing — What I do to my pants after a long bus ride [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 3 March 2010]
Resisting Arrest — What insomniacs are doing when they refuse to take a sleeping pill [Frank Ball, 19 June 2015]
Restitution — An institution that teaches you how to sleep [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 20 October 2014]
Restitution — School for those with sleep disorders [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
Retail Price — The cost to repair the back of the plane [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 July 2013]
Rhodesia — When you can’t remember what road you’re on or why [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 171)]
Riptide — Detergent specially formulated for torn jeans [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 September 2010]
Roaming Charge — The fee your divorce lawyer charges when your wife discovers you cheating [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 May 2018]
Rock Music — The sound workers make in a quarry [Frank Ball, 6 February 2013]
Rocking Chair — Seating for listening to 1950s music [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
Roller Derby — Competition for the fastest house painter [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 July 2011]
Rubberneck — How a man helps his girl relax [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
Sacrilegious — What happens when a Christian quarterback is tackled behind the line [Frank Ball, 17 October 2023]
Samoa — What you eat after the first potato chip [Frank Ball, 9 March 2019]
Satisfactory — Manufacturer of acceptable goods [Frank Ball, 12 February 2021]
Scholarship — A research vessel [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 May 2013]
Scintillate — What unrighteous people do after midnight [Frank Ball, 2 July 2025]
Scotchgard® — Friend who watches your drink while you go to the bathroom [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 March 2012]
Second in Command — Extremely short tenure [Frank Ball, 14 March 2016]
Secondhand Smoke — A Pawn shop on fire [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 May 2011]
Selfish — Mission statement of seafood stores [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
Sentence — A joke that isn’t funny [Frank Ball, 25 February 2022]
Shindig — An archaeologist’s search for leg bones [Frank Ball, 18 October 2010]
Shindig — A wife’s hidden kick beneath the table [Frank Ball, 1 February 2013]
Shindig — An archaeologist’s discovery of leg bones [Frank Ball, 25 September 2025]
Showdown — Rained-out Fourth of July celebration [Frank Ball, 16 June 2020]
Sink Hole — Where the plumber fastens the drain pipe [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 August 2013]
Slide Show — A playground sales exhibition [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 July 2016]
Smallpox — Little open areas in Boston [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 14 May 2012]
Smooth Operator — Adept handler of the shop sander [Frank Ball, 24 December 2018]
Snowball — A dance where everyone arrives either overdressed or freezing [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 November 2018]
Sock Puppet — What you’d like to do after watching the ventriloquist act [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 18 June 2016]
Solar Panel — A group of stars that judge the talents of other stars [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 16 July 2013]
Sonic Boom — Sudden expansion of a fast-food chain [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 August 2014]
Sorghum — A dental hygienist’s legacy [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
Sound Reasoning — Need to yell about it [Frank Ball, 18 April 2022]
Speed Zone — An extremely misleading sign [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 02 September 2017]
Spin Doctor — Any physician who specializes in vertigo [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 31 August 2013]
Spiral — A blown spy cover gone viral [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 January 2014]
Spoiled Milk — What you get from overly pampered cows [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
Spyware — Appropriate attire for an agent during a covert operation [Frank Ball 30 May 2014]
Squatter’s Rights — When everyone is entitled to own an outhouse [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 March 2012]
Squeeze Play — An accordion solo [Frank Ball, 4 February 2021]
Stage Fright — A cowardly act [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 May 2013]
Stagnation — Kingdom of antlered bucks [Frank Ball, 15 September 2025]
State of Affairs — A government body with no laws against adultery [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 August 2014]
State of Denial — Political union of what was formerly the kingdom of the pharaoh [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 May 2011]
Status Quo — Latin for “the mess we’re in” [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 51)]
Stereotyped — A report handed in by Siamese twins [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 7 August 2010]
Stick — A boomerang that doesn’t work [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
Stiff Breeze — Draft in a funeral parlor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 June 2012]
Stiff Competition — Two funeral homes next door to each other [Frank Ball, 6 August 2015]
Substitute — Inferior place of learning [Frank Ball, 30 August 2022]
Sudafed — Legal action taken against a US government official [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
Superfluous — The best of viruses that plague us [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
Superimpose — When an acquaintance asks to borrow your truck, then expects you to help him pack up and move [Frank Ball, 2 March 2013]
Superstitions — A level far above ordinary stitions [Frank Ball, 2 February 2023]
Surreptitiously — How maple trees add sweetness to pancakes [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 24 April 2010]
Swing Shift — When playground equipment employees go to work [Frank Ball, 18 October 2023]
Syllabus — How clowns take group field trips [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 September 2016]
Syntax — Consequence for not obeying God [Frank Ball, 13 November 2012]
Tablet — Small table [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Tact — Temporarily nailed [Frank Ball, 25 June 2025]
Tangerine — How we know that Gerine spends lots of time out in the sun [Frank Ball, 8 June 2021]
Tastebud — How Willie Nelson grades his autumn harvest [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 May 2014]
Taxidermist — The skin of a cab driver [Herbert V. Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr, 5100 Quotations for Speakers & Writers (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1992), 183.]
Taxidermy — The practice of arranging people and luggage according to principles unknown to modern physics. [Frank Ball, 9 June 2026]
Tech Support — A cyborg’s undergarment [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 April 2011]
Tenants — Five male ants moving into apartments with five female ants [Frank Ball, 14 April 2025]
Terminal Illness — Sick at the airport [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Terminal Velocity — How fast you can run when late for a flight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 September 2015]
Terminology — The study of wood-eating insects [Frank Ball, 15 June 2011]
Termite — One who favors term limits for politicians [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 29 November 2012]
Testicle — An enclosure for answering questions on an exam [Frank Ball, 5 April 2013]
Thesaurus — A huge word-eating dinosaur [Frank Ball, 17 July 2014]
Thorax — Successor to the Thor hammer [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 28 December 2021]
Thumb Drive — How hitchhikers get from one place to another [Frank Ball, 24 September 2018]
Timeshare — Five kids competing for their parents’ attention [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 8 September 2012]
Tiredness — Having all the tread worn off and still not retired [Frank Ball, 27 November 2023]
Tireless Worker — A laid-off Goodyear employee [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 April 2016]
Toupee — An assumed mane [Frank and Ernest, 15 March 2011]
Toxic Dump Site — Baby changing station [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 February 2013]
Trailblazer — Formal junglewear [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 April 2013]
Trapezoid — Ensnaring prehistoric beast [Frank Ball, 24 September 2019]
Triathlete — A fast pedaler on three wheels instead of two [Frank Ball, 27 June 2016]
Tropical Depression — When you keep checking Facebook while on vacation [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 January 2020]
Trigonometry — The study of Roy Rogers’ horse [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 23 September 2014]
Tumor — Added to one, makes a crowd [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
Two-Percent Milk — What’s left after 98 percent has been drunk [Frank Ball, 7 August 2015]
Underpass — The politically correct word for “fail” [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 June 2025]
Understanding — What Australians have when they get up from the table [Frank Ball, 28 January 2013]
Understanding — Too much sitting down [Frank Ball, 11 November 2023]
Underwriter — Aspiring writer who has never published [Frank Ball, 11 November 2023]
Varicose — Close by [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
Vegetarian — Plant doctor [Frank Ball, 6 May 2023]
Ventriloquist — Silent partner [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 December 2012]
Vice President — The head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Gambling [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 July 2014]
Voucher — Someone cited as a work reference [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 September 2013]
Waffle Iron — Indecisive golf club [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 December 2013]
Weather Stripping — What follows coming in from bitter cold [Frank Ball, 16 September 2020]
Work from Home — What a baseball player does, giving signs to the pitcher [Frank Ball, 1 March 2018]
Yolk — A bad pun you tell at breakfast. [Frank Ball, 27 July 2025]
Zebra — Extra support for the horse-riding woman [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 20 September 2014]